6/30/2010 – 40 Pounds Lost – 15 Pounds to Go – 52 Days Left

I put back 2 pounds since I weighed myself yesterday. I did eat a bit more than I usually do for dinner and then had a larger carb snack before bed. I guess I am sensitive right now to any extra carbs. I did not expect this journey would see no backwards steps – I just need to limit them. Nothing to report on the personal life front – no news is good news.

6/29/2010 – 42 Pounds Lost – 13 Pounds to Go – 53 Days Left

One more pound off the books. Nothing will stop this train!!! So, I have been talking about how I am taking my own advice and not speaking negative words – well I will talk briefly about what is happening. The move to the new house is starting to be hard. There is a lot to do. This will be the families 9th move in 13 years. It is wearing on my soul. Some of the moves were due to my job, some due to seeking the "American dream" Ha, and some due to money issues. This last one is due to money issues. This 9th move is being accompanied by a family dynamic that is tearing me apart… my wife does not want to be a wife and wishes I would just walk away, step daughter thinks I hate her and has "lost all respect for me" Ha what a joke, and three wonderful loving good kids that don’t deserve any of this.
I continue to make myself healthy inside and out but these trials are oh so very hard to overcome. I have strength and faith – my shoulders are broad and have the weight of the world on them. I know I am a different kind of individual and know that faith is the only thing keeping me going. Coming through all of this with flying colors will make me a stronger person. Who knows where and/or with whom I will rest my head but I do see happiness for me in the future. Onward.

6/28/2010 – 41 Pounds Lost – 14 Pounds to Go – 54 Days Left

Wow. I had the gym attendant re-calibrate the scale this morning because I found it hard to believe I lost 4 pounds over the weekend. And the scale was right. I ate horribly over the weekend… birthday cake, jelly beans, chips… I fell off the wagon… HOWEVER… for my meals it was business as usual – good healthy food. Hmmm I guess every now and then my body needs some senseless fat. I was going to wait until I reached weight until I ate senseless fat. I guess it was not so bad. BUT back to work… the workout this morning felt good. Onward… and Fat, not fluffy… I am still taking my own advice – I could complain and moan about some stuff that is happening to me but writing it and focusing on it will do me no good!

Update on my mother is that she came home Sunday and is home now. Her pain level is manageable with a lot of meds but really gets bad at night. I pray for her and my father. They are the Mash unit and are in a lot of pain and stress these days. My father with his recovering hips trying to take care of my mother. My brothers and sister come over and try to help them from time to time. I cannot just come over at night to check on them because I live 2-1/2 hours away and have a family of 4 kids. I really want to help but I just can't be there as much as I would like to. I call to chat and check on them. I think it helps and I will continue to do it.

Fat, Not Fluffy... Taking my own advice...............................................................................

6/24/2010 – 38 Pounds Lost – 17 Pounds to Go – 58 Days Left

Today I switched workout facilities and took a downgrade on comfort. Showers and overall comfort is down several notches. The equipment is the same so at lease I have some continuity. I had to change because of the location change for my job. Not a big deal just will need some getting use to.

I lost one pound. 17 pounds to go. I read another chapter in my book and have some ideas already on how I will start to change my thinking…

6/23/2010 – 37 Pounds Lost – 18 Pounds to Go – 59 Days Left

One more pound off the books!!! So yesterday many things happened – My kids are so creative – I helped them produce a movie they were working on with the video camera, went bike riding with two of the kids this time, and started to read the book – Rich Dad Poor Dad, what the rich teach their kids that the poor do not. I don't read. Period. I just don’t. School was hard for me because of that but I made it through on my math and science skills. So reading this book is a big step for me. It is very interesting. So far it is reiterating things I have heard before but putting a realistic spin on it. I think after I am done with this book there will be some movements in different directions.
On a different note my mother is having a lot of pain recovering from her surgery and will not come home for a few more days. My father is stressing himself out at the hospital trying to do too much. He is still recovering from his hip surgery and is trying to help my mother at the hospital. I hope she can get control over the pain soon.

6/22/2010 – 36 Pounds Lost – 19 Pounds to Go – 60 Days Left

O.K. so back to the grind. I took that one pound back off and hope to drop one or two more this week. My little baby girl had an allergic reaction to a food item and we had to rush her to the hospital – wow what a start to summer for her. Crazy night but she it O.K. now and we have to watch what she eats now. It was hard on me. I started my 22 days of me focus with taking a bike ride with my son. He is just starting to get riding and already thinks he is an expert. That made me happy – and more of that kind of stuff is on the horizon. I also am going to get into business opportunities because I dream to be my own boss. In a way I know it will happen I just need to find what it is and focus on that too. Onward!

6/21/2010 – 35 Pounds Lost – 20 Pounds to Go – 61 Days Left

I am happy about the weekend result. I did no physical activity and ate a lot of foods a lot of carbs and snacks that aren’t necessarily good for me. The fact I only picked up one pound could be water or other insignificant things. I believe I am doing all the right things and it is only a matter of time now. Well now that the drama calmed down a bit my wife started to forget how bad our relationship is and interacted with me like nothing is wrong again. I guess I will need to decide if this is how I want to live my life. I guess I need to accept that I will be last on her list and settle for what I can get. All this could be O.K. I guess if I had other things in my life but I don't. If I had other things and this situation is still not good for me then the answer will be easy. But for now I need to start taking care of me completely. I guess the effort to find what makes me happy is right back in the front of my brain. So here we go… 22 days of focusing in on me… lets see what happens after this 22 days!!! Good luck to all of you. Stay strong and find your strength from whatever source you can get it from!!!

6/18/2010 – 36 Pounds Lost – 19 Pounds to Go – 64 Days Left

I was shocked when I got on the scale this morning. I dropped two whole pounds. I was sure I had just maintained my weight after dropping three in one day. I guess watching the carbs and increasing time and intensity during workouts are helping. It is a wonderful feeling seeing the end in sight!!!

So the wife and I talked last night and just as I suspected every time the stress gets large she likes to point out how broken our relationship is and in a sense I think is trying to get me to walk away. The step daughter is something that will break us. I hate that it has come down to a selfish, self-centered, the universe orbits around me, little child. The wife made it clear to me that even though the other three kids have their father in the house full time and love him there is no way she moves the step daughter out – she will take away the father from three kids for one child that deserves nothing. This is my life and I just don't know how I will handle the whole situation. Walk away or stay. Stay and be disrespected and in pain most of the time. I have some big decisions to make and 64 days is a lifetime away compared to the time I have to make some life decisions… My faith in God will need to step to the forefront here and I will put it all on him. I cannot make these decisions myself. This is all bigger than me.
On top of all this my father went through major hip surgery a couple weeks ago and is still recovering slowly and my mother is going to have major foot surgery today. They live by themselves and will need people to come by and check on them and feed them. My father is not getting around well he is in a lot of pain and my mother will not be able to get around when she gets home from the surgery. I hope she goes through her surgery O.K. Lots on my mind these days.

6/17/2010 – 34 Pounds Lost – 21 Pounds to Go – 65 Days Left

O.K. So, big report out today. Yesterday I had a run in with the step daughter and it is clear that she is unwilling to work toward a basic respectful relationship with me. Just when me and my wife were coming around this has to enter into the mix. As I have stated before she is not capable of having too much stress in her life at which point she will start to shut down and the first thing to go away is me. So now the only logical thing to expect is that our progress will be frozen or it will go backwards at this point. Those 65 days left to a new life may be more of a prophecy than I originally thought. There is no way her and I can exist in the same household together and there are three other kids to consider. Don't know how it will play out but if she is dead set on not trying to have a basic respectful relationship change is coming. There will be BIG changes soon because her and I in the same house has proven to be volatile if she continues to be stubborn and not try to make things livable. Trust me it may sound like I am not taking any responsibility in this and it is all on her but it really is. I continue over and over again putting my pride aside to try to communicate but it is no help to the situation.

In the face of all that I have broken through another barrier today with my weight loss. I dropped three pounds from 24 hours ago and it is for good reason. I realized that I was taking in too many carbs and this was slowing down the weight loss. AND, I extended the time I am working out and the intensity during the harder parts of the cardio program. I am beyond excited about my weight loss and after I got off the scale this morning I said to myself "There is no stopping me now".

6/16/2010 – 31 Pounds Lost – 24 Pounds to Go – 66 Days Left

No weight lost. I did feel like I would weigh a pound less today. I can never tell right now. I will just not worry about it and let it be what it is. Nothing really to report on any other front except that when selling a house there is always "something else" that needs to happen before closing… tired tired tired of that. Have a good rest of your week.

6/15/2010 – 31 Pounds Lost – 24 Pounds to Go – 67 Days Left

I was certain that I gained at least one maybe two pounds over night. I ate A LOT of food over the last 24 hours (all extremely health though) and expected to have a gain. I was in a bad mood yesterday after I got off of work and I was not sure why. In the past I have been damaging to my wife and kids by interacting with them to much while in that state. So, this time I banned myself to my room and went to bed early. I think my body is angry with me for some reason and it is manifesting through my mind. Crazy – I hope I snap out of it soon. Anyway – I lost a pound and regardless of what I "thought" would happen I am on a good path. I send out much strength to my weight loss people out there. Everyday is a challenge in itself. You will see what you are made of every day of your life that you are on this path. The world and many people around you may empathize and sympathize with being overweight BUT will subconsciously endorse it because they are not happy with where they are at. You must rise above the delicious looking commercials for pizza hut and McDonalds and stay the course. I told a friend yesterday that having the body healthy helps to make the mind healthy. It's strange how they are completely separated and connected all at the same time.

6/14/2010 – 30 Pounds Lost – 25 Pounds to Go – 68 Days Left

It is always a good feeling to weigh myself on Monday morning and still be the same weight as I was when I weighed myself on the previous Friday morning. I am still at 215 and eventually I know I cannot keep this up 5 days a week all out so it is good to know that my body is already getting conditioned to keep the weight level after a couple days of not working out. I had a great weekend all around. I rested, played with the kids, had some good one on one time with my wife and maintained my weight. I have 25 pounds to go for my new life and I honestly believe that when I reach that point I will have a different life – to some extent I am already there. As far as me trying to come up with things that will make me happy… well I have a small list and it begins with focusing in on the goal at hand. That goal being 55 pounds and a new life.

Today marks a great day!!! I have lost 30 pounds and I feel great!!! The past few days have been trying because I have not made any progress on weight loss but I stayed focused and came through with flying colors. I must say that my family situation is taking a turn for the better… at least when it comes to my wife. She is communicating with me and making small efforts to make things right between us. It's strange because when she gets overly stressed she backs down and closes off and starts to say things about "our failing marriage", "our broken relationship", "it doesn’t feel natural to try" but then when things calm down stress wise in her life she opens back up and acts somewhat like a wife. I think on some level this is who she is but she will need to understand that backing away and shutting down for a day of two and having alone time is one thing but to push me away and say damaging things must stop… we will see how that conversation goes. Anyway – I would have hoped that by this point more people would be tuning into my blog not because I want to say I have "X" amount of followers but that I think my story can be inspiration to weight loss folks because you can look to me for strength because I will not stop until I reach my goals. I will reach my goals and get that new life I speak about. I feel that new light shining a dim light on me right now actually. Please, if you are reading this tell others to come to my blog if they are serious about losing weight because I have been through the fire (and continue to) and I am achieving my goals and can be an inspiration!!!

6/10/2010 – 28 Pounds Lost – 27 Pounds to Go – 72 Days Left

Still at 217… that’s three straight days now and I felt like I had good eating days and good workout days. O.K. I know every now and then weight loss goes through a flap line. I hope I start losing again soon. No scratch that – I will start losing soon!!!

I did not lose any weight when I weighed in this morning. I took the opportunity to schedule a meeting with a fitness trainer at my gym and we spoke for a while yesterday. I told him that it seemed I am in a bit of a flat line for weight loss and I know it happens from time to time but what can I do to get around this. He said that he liked my workout routine but that right now my body is use to that routine. He said that I must switch up time and machines to confuse my body. A statement he came up with is that "One has to get comfortable with their body being uncomfortable during workouts" this sure makes sense to me. So my words of advice today is YES get a routine together like - wake up, eat breakfast, workout, go to work, come home, healthy snack, be active around the house or town, go to bed, and drink a lot of water – YES keep to that routine of YOURS religiously. HOWEVER, when it comes to working out – switch up the routine every week or so – so your body does not get use to it.

Have a great rest of your week.

6/8/2010 – 28 Pounds Lost – 27 Pounds to Go – 74 Days Left

I have a new follower. It is exciting to see new people join. I will read up on you and your efforts (if you have a blog yourself).

I would like to mention that I am the lightest I have been since starting on my journey. I have had some really big up and down emotional swings due to family issues (most of which I discussed in my very first post) and I am still on track to lose the 55 pounds I desire to lose. Realizing that my negative words were not helping one bit has been a big help. I am focusing in on other things rather than how bad I feel about things I cannot control. So far I have been able to stop eating fast food, get up at 5:00am every morning (Mon-Fri), and lose 28 pounds of the 55 I want lose. That is something positive to focus and draw strength from. I have found that drawing strength from whatever source is very very very important in my journey and may be helpful in yours too. I said recently to someone that life can be very confusing if one does not have a plan/goal… get a plan and find the strength in any form to fuel your drive…

6/5/2010

New words of wisdom this morning… So a lot has happened since the last post. At bedtime I was pleasantly surprised by my wife in a night gown and the rest is big girl and big boy stuff… So I went to bed feeling O.K. for the first time in a while. I woke up this morning and turned on the T.V. Morning inspiration (religious programming) was on and I was going to change the channel when the guy started to talk abut money. I decided to tune in for a little bit. That little bit turned into a long time and now I have some inspiration of my own. The speaker was Dr. Mike Murdock, founder of the wisdom center, and he had some inspirational things to say. The one thing that hit me the hardest is my use of words over the past few weeks. He spoke about the power of words and us following the spoken word good or bad… So what I took from that is that all these negative words I have been using is only working against me and eventually it will plant a seed that will spawn failure. I will dedicate my actions, thoughts, and now most importantly my words to this weight loss journey of mine.

6/4/2010 – 27 Pounds Lost – 28 Pounds to Go – 78 Days Left

I am the lightest I have been since I started my quest and I should be happy. I am not. I Don't know how I keep going. I find it hard to smile these days…

6/3/2010 – 25 Pounds Lost – 30 Pounds to Go – 79 Days Left

I have 4 followers now (well actually 3 I somehow signed up to follow myself. I think I did that one time when I had too much to drink a few years ago) thanks for the comments and taking the time to read my story.
I was surprised to see that I had lost no weight this morning - I am still at 25 pounds lost. I felt lighter when I woke up and I can usually tell when weight is coming off. BUT I also know I am at that point where loss will slow down and I need to be focused on the end result. My goal of 55 pounds by 8/21/10 is my goal and there is not much more I can control in my life. I wish things could be different but they are not. Fixing the pain I feel in my heart with regards to my wife and the pounds I want to see gone forever are the only things on my mind. Sometimes I ask myself - shouldn't the women have struggles of the MAN not talking and expressing HIS feelings. It appears I am living the flip side of that stereotypical situation. Shouldn't the women be chasing the man for his love and affection? When I think about it all I really want is a thought in my head that she loves me and there is no reason to worry about the future or other people. I feel a lot of pain right now and don't know how or where the healing will come from... maybe the 50 pounds and a new life will provide that healing.

6/2/2010 – 25 Pounds Lost – 30 Pounds to Go – 80 Days Left

As I said I am not worried about it. I am back to 25 pounds lost and still focused to keep pushing on. I found it hard to go to sleep last night because I am very alone right now. I truly need to find other things to occupy my time… I dwell too much on a situation I cannot control. I will keep doing what I feel I need to do and with respect to my wife and happiness. I still think about food all the time and in the end peaches, pears, pretzels, and mandarin oranges are keeping me from going off the deep end. I am constantly snacking on them and it helps. I can see from this past weekend that if I do not stay focused on the task at hand and pig out with high calorie - high fat foods I will go the wrong way and keep going the wrong way. I may have to find a way to balance small helpings of really tasty food with my workouts and healthy eating.

6/1/2010 – 22 Pounds Lost – 33 Pounds to Go – 82 Days Left

Just as I feared… I gained back 4 pounds... I am not all that concerned about it though… I ate perfectly fine all weekend but pigged out on Monday at my BBQ. I had ribs, Baked MacnCheese, a bacon and green bean dish I make, and apple pie and ice cream for dessert. I really pigged out… but in all that madness I only had one serving of each and only ate that meal and breakfast yesterday. My workout this morning felt good getting back to the routine of sweating and aching. Funny thing happened last night while I was falling asleep - my wife moved over in the bed and laid her head on my chest for a while and fell asleep. Not sure if she had a few cocktails before coming up to bed but it was sort of strange. Not making too much out of it at this point – although any positive momentum with ANYTHING is helpful on this journey of mine. Oh yeah the step daughter is back in the house now for good. She did not speak to me and would not acknowledge my presence. Strength is what I need now more than ever…