I feel great this morning… I have gone under the 220 mark. I am 219 hahahaha it feels so good. I fear the weekend… I have two BBQ's scheduled to be at and no workout sessions currently scheduled. I will be strong… you will see. Had a meeting with the house the step daughter is at and it appears she will be returning to our house Monday. I have a really bad feeling about this because she still cannot even speak to me directly. So much on my mind… Wife – Kids – house (we have to move by the way… I'll get into that at some point) I do have one thing that makes me smile right now and that is looking at the needle on the scale at the workout facility gaining less and less momentum as time goes by… Onward!!!
Weight Loss Tracker
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Impromptu - 5/27/10
I felt it necessary to write this... One of my coworkers, that I see maybe once every two weeks when I need to discuss a project, looked at me and and was the first person to date to say – "your losing weight, my goodness how much have you lost?" I told him 23 and have 32 more to go. He asked what diet plan I am on and I pointed to my head and said the one up here. I have a saying that I made up; "If you have the desire to change your thinking followed by the motivation to act achieving is inevitable"… You can buy the most expensive equipment in the entire world or go to the most glamorous athletic clubs, but if you don't have desire and motivation you will fail.
Nice that a coworker who I see once every couple of weeks noticed my weight loss but my wife that I see every day sees right through me…
Nice that a coworker who I see once every couple of weeks noticed my weight loss but my wife that I see every day sees right through me…
5/27/2010 – 23 Pounds Lost – 32 Pounds to Go – 86 Days Left
This morning is a good morning. I stepped on the scale at the gym before my workout and I weighed in at
222 pounds that’s two pounds different from yesterday. I smiled really big and had an awesome workout. I have still not put a list together for things that will make me happy personally. I will work on that this weekend. The workouts are getting more intense and I feel so much stronger these days. I am so proud of my progress in the face of all this is going wrong in my personal life.
So the step daughter was home for a brief moment to get schoolwork and see her brother and sisters before returning to the home for troubled kids. She has one more week of lockdown there. She came into the kitchen and I said hi to her and she ignored me. I said her name and then said hi again and she rolled her eyes giving me the "die now" look and turned and walked away. I had to take off for a moment and leave the house – I have no idea how she is going to be able to return with this type of attitude. My wife gets irritated when I even try to hug my wife.
Some people are religious, some people are spiritual, some are both, and some are none. I would put myself in a "little of both" spiritual and religious category and they are the only things that I can look to for strength in all that is going on. I can only look up and onward… give me strength!!!
222 pounds that’s two pounds different from yesterday. I smiled really big and had an awesome workout. I have still not put a list together for things that will make me happy personally. I will work on that this weekend. The workouts are getting more intense and I feel so much stronger these days. I am so proud of my progress in the face of all this is going wrong in my personal life.
So the step daughter was home for a brief moment to get schoolwork and see her brother and sisters before returning to the home for troubled kids. She has one more week of lockdown there. She came into the kitchen and I said hi to her and she ignored me. I said her name and then said hi again and she rolled her eyes giving me the "die now" look and turned and walked away. I had to take off for a moment and leave the house – I have no idea how she is going to be able to return with this type of attitude. My wife gets irritated when I even try to hug my wife.
Some people are religious, some people are spiritual, some are both, and some are none. I would put myself in a "little of both" spiritual and religious category and they are the only things that I can look to for strength in all that is going on. I can only look up and onward… give me strength!!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
5/26/2010 – 21 Pounds Lost – 34 Pounds to Go – 87 Days Left
So this morning marks the 22 day of my effort to leave fast food alone. I made the mistake of meeting someone at McDonalds to pick up some business information and I had a weak moment… AHHHHH I am so upset… I went to the counter and ordered a Donkey Glass (Shrek glass for my kids) and a bag of apples… ummm O.K. I guess I did not have a weak moment and I chose McDonalds on the 22nd day to show myself that I am over it. It was not really all that hard to order just the bag of apples… and I even told the kid behind the counter that I did not need the caramel dipping sauce. I am strong right now with my health so why is it so hard to focus on my happiness when it comes to my personal life.
I wrote yesterday that I would come up with a list of things to focus on myself and create some happiness in my life. Well I could only still focus on my wife and the kids… why is it so hard? Why do I continue to put so much effort into my marriage and I get very little if nothing in return…? I guess I don't want it to end. Maybe I try and find the strength and energy to do all of it including developing a list and pursuing some personal happiness.
I wrote yesterday that I would come up with a list of things to focus on myself and create some happiness in my life. Well I could only still focus on my wife and the kids… why is it so hard? Why do I continue to put so much effort into my marriage and I get very little if nothing in return…? I guess I don't want it to end. Maybe I try and find the strength and energy to do all of it including developing a list and pursuing some personal happiness.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
5/25/2010 – 20 Pounds Lost – 35 Pounds to Go – 88 Days Left
½ a pound lost so I will wait to say I lost any until tomorrow. I fell into a mini depression last night as I tried to go to sleep. I sat for maybe 2-1/2 hours up in my room and I did not hear a peep from the wife who was watching T.V. downstairs and working on her side business. It got to be about 11 and I sent her a text asking was she going to be all night again and that I was going to sleep. She came up stairs and laid in the bed, chit chatted for about 5 minutes, slapped my hand twice, and rubbed one of my fingers once or twice and then passed out. I am a lucky man… I am drowning in my own sarcasm… anyway I watched the Orlando Magic win their first game in the series with Boston and could possible make it a series - we will see. As I was going to sleep the sorrow I was feeling about my marriage situation and having a wife that wants a friend not a husband, it reminded me of something I read. Bruce Willis was in a magazine (I forget which one) and I read the article. It was about how Bruce came to a point in his life where he became happy. He mentioned that the moment he started to become happy in life was when he started to make himself happy and not rely on a woman to do that for him. When I read the article I thought it was powerful but at the time was not fully able to put it into context. Now I can fully put it into context and understand that this is exactly where I am at in my life. I have dedicated myself to my family and my wife. I have gone above and beyond to do wonderful thoughtful things for my wife and in the end she could care less about having a husband. I just can't do anything more than what I am already doing. If in the end she just does not "want" me there is nothing I can do about that. Are you starting to understand my name…? Let me know when it starts to click. So I guess I will be looking to make myself happy. Don't know what that will be but I am sure by tomorrow when I blog I will have some good ideas. Tomorrow I think I will report out that I have lost 22 pounds… let's see…
Monday, May 24, 2010
5/24/2010 – 20 Pounds Lost – 35 Pounds to Go – 89 Days Left
Monday morning – I stepped up the workout today and my body is sore sore sore… I had one hell of a time not eating last night. I got irritable and sort of yelled at the kids for nothing. I realized I was trippin so I went up to my room and put on the SUNS-LAKERS game. I passed out after the second quarter. Looking online at espn.com I wish I could have stayed up. The SUNS are trying to make a series out of it… I hope so. So I have lost 20 pounds – it sure feels good. Looking at my body I love the way it looks right now. The six pack is starting to come out once again and I have gone down two belt buckle holes in 3 weeks. I just can't stop right now… I have done so well and I have such a long way to go – I have to stay focused. Family life is neither better nor worse right now so I guess in the big picture that’s not all that bad. Onward…
Sunday, May 23, 2010
5/23/2010 – 18 pounds lost – 37 pounds to go – 90 days left
Sunday morning… It’s a good morning I think. I do not have a scale at my home so I don't know what I weigh on the weekends. I guess that seems sort of strange to me. Oh well… I think I am still at 18 pounds lost I always can feel the weight in my stomach if it feels light I am usually keeping the weight from my previously weighed amount. If it feels heavy then I am usually a pound or two heavier. This is so hard for me… all I think about is food… food all night long… all day long. Not eating fast food and everything in the fridge is so hard. I really don't know how I am doing it. I guess it is mind over matter at this point. I try and think about other things and get busy with house work or play with the kids to get my mind off food. So I have two more days to get to my 22 days of no fast food. It has been so hard. So I guess I find strength in the fact that I continue to defy myself. I would rather not talk about family life because it will only make me want to eat.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I am actually trying to lose 55 pounds not 50. My goal is to get to 190 pounds. I thought about changing the name but 50 pounds and a new life sounds better than 55 pounds and a new life… right? Yeah it does so we will just go with 50 just for the name.
O.K. so off to think about something other than food!!!
Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I am actually trying to lose 55 pounds not 50. My goal is to get to 190 pounds. I thought about changing the name but 50 pounds and a new life sounds better than 55 pounds and a new life… right? Yeah it does so we will just go with 50 just for the name.
O.K. so off to think about something other than food!!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Beginning the Journey - Fasten Your Seatbelts
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5-21-2010
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O.K. so let me get you up to speed with where I am. I created this Blog to track my progression as I try to change my life in many different ways. I believe that those who read this will find strength in what I am going through and may find a way to achieve their goals as well - "Those" meaning my children later in life, strangers that may happen across this Blog, or me reading back through it and finding the strength to continue.
I titled the Blog "50 Pounds And a New Life" because my goal is to lose 50 pounds by 8/21/2010 which is three months from now. I believe that at the end of my journey I will have vastly different goals, social events (both personal/family), and dreams.
I need to add that I have lost 18 Pounds of the 50 already and hope to lose the remaining 32 pounds by 8/21/2010. My starting weight was 245 and I am 5'11". 245 pounds is really overweight by any doctor's opinion. The thing is that I did not have a gut and was not sloppy looking at all - just big. So the first question you must have of me is why did I not start this Blog at ground zero? Well I have a good explanation - I have the tendency to start some things out very strong and if there are any bumps in the road in the first two/three weeks I quit. This does not happen very often but with something so important I did not want to get into it and let anyone down.
So I will do some catching up with you so you can get focused in on me – where I have been to help understand where I am going.
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2-1-2009
--------------
This is when I started to identify that my wife (we were married at the time for 4 years together for 12 years) had checked out mentally on me and many problems started to arise from it. She was spending more time alone out in the world and I kept asking what was wrong and what I could do to change things. She never came up with any good reasons and slipped more and more into "alone" mode. At the time I was about 210 pounds and had been that way for a while.
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10-1-2009
--------------
Finally after 8 months of her being checked out mentally on me I moved out but quickly returned. The arrangement was that I would live in the basement and have little contact with her. This actually worked for a while I could see my kids and we started to get to know each other again – very strange.
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1-15-2010
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Once my wife started to realize that we were back in a "marriage" situation she froze up again and went out mentally again. I guess she did not really want to be married.
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3-15-2010
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We lived for two months under this mentally checked out state (again) and I finally blew up and moved out a second time. While at my folks house it hit me that all along I had more of a part in this "mentally checked out" state that my wife was going through. I had started drinking more than I used to and it started about August of 2008. I looked back on the previous year and a half and realized that I was very difficult to be around and never let anyone else's opinion in the house be heard. I took responsibility for my actions and started to think about easing up on the alcohol.
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5-2-2010
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5-2 is a Sunday and over the past month and a half nothing was going right; I was performing badly at work and did not feel comfortable in my department as far as my future, my wife no longer wanted to try and make our marriage work, and I just had no focus on anything productive. I finally got myself to the point where I needed to make a life change. I wanted to lose 50 pounds, ease up on the alcohol, and eat healthy. My journey of 1000 miles would begin on 5-3 and would it ever…
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5-3-2010
--------------
First day…
I committed to myself not to eat any fast food for 22 days as well as no alcohol. I had been eating EVERY breakfast at McDonalds and most of my dinners at a variety of Fast food places… McDonalds was certainly my favorite, followed by Taco Bell late at night, Pizza Hut and those pizza rolls that are out of this world delicious, Burger King every now and then for a Whopper (hey is it just me or is Burger King notorious for slow and rude service), Arbys for the appetizers, and Wendys for Chicken Sandwiches – crispy of course. I was out of control on the fast food tip…
I am using the MEGA MEN SPORT supplement packs by GNC for increased energy and weight lose. I do not recommend anyone use these supplements unless you are actively working out every day… they will buzz the crap out of your body if you don't counteract the effects with a strenuous workout plan. I love the energy these supplements give me throughout the day. It makes me crash for a few minutes around 6:00pm – I hope that goes away soon.
I wake up at 5:00am every morning Monday-Friday and go to the workout facility provided by my employer. This is so very difficult because I am a late bedtime person and at the time I am enjoying NBA playoff basketball (well not so much this year all the series have been pretty bad). Theses games can keep me up until 11, 12, or even later on some occasions. Obviously getting up at 5am is hard to do after that but I manage and have cut back on how many games I am watching.
As far as the Alcohol, let's just say I have cut WAY back and feel I am doing just fine. Having even one beer at night makes it harder to get through the workout the next day so it is a deterrent which helps…
--------------
5-10-2010
--------------
One week in and 7 pounds lost. No fast food… Don't know how I am managing that one but I am… My motivation to make a life change is strong this time… the hard part here is that I am always hungry and need lots of fruit/vegetables and pretzels to snack on to keep me from going out and raiding all the fast food spots… AHHHHHHHHHH… Drinks are still at a minimum. I honestly think my body is going through withdrawal symptoms because of the fast food. It's strange because I feel weak and my skin itches all over and I think about food all the time.
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5-14-2010 – Friday - Morning of
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Two weeks in and 12 pounds lost… Still no fast food and drinks are well to a minimum. I will stop talking about drinks now and will bring it back up in the future if there is a need to do so. All is going well… my wife is actually starting to give me little hugs here and there – maybe it's the dedication to change – who knows – I sure don’t. We also started being intimate and it feels good… REALLY GOOD!!! Then the evening comes upon us…
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5-14-2010 – Friday - Evening of
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Long Story short – Teenage Step daughter loses her mind, brings drunk friend over to my house, Step daughter is violent with me and her Mom, ambulance is called for the dying friend, and when the cops arrive step daughter takes off through the neighborhood on foot and disappears for 24 hours… much more to that story – the friend made it through O.K. - but that’s all I will say right now . My wife takes the disappearing act very hard and now blames herself for the continued downward spiral of the daughter and the two of us take a turn for the worse. She does not blame me for anything the step daughter does/did but my wife shut down again almost instantly and is pushing me away more and more as the days go by. I don't think she can deal with too much stress in her life and shuts down as a defense mechanism. Just when I thought everything was going well, here comes this surprise out of nowhere.
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5-15-2010
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Saturday – I keep to my no fast food routine and my wife's focus is on the daughter. There is not much time for anything else. At this point I have started to become a single father so the wife can deal with the one daughter exclusively and the house can be taken care of. We have a total of 4 kids all together. This is stressful on me but I take it in stride and deal with it.
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5-16-2010
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Sunday – much of the same as 5-15
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5-17-2010
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Monday – It was very difficult to get myself up at 5:00am to go workout because I got VERY little sleep over the weekend. I made it and had a good workout. I have still had no fast food and have lost a total of 15 pounds now. I am very proud of myself for getting into the workout facility. I could have very easily fell right back into the old trap of feeling sorry for myself or something stupid like that and not getting up to work out and find myself at my McDonalds spot eating breakfast Monday morning.
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5-18-2010
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Tuesday – nothing news worthy. This day is still a lot of the same old thing. It's easier to not eat the fast food now. Maybe it's getting out of my system. What I really miss right now is my pizza rolls from Pizza hut… hmmm…. Pizza rolls.
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5-19-2010
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Wednesday – The Step daughter was checked into a group home for kids that are losing their way… she is scheduled to be there for two weeks and I hope it does her some good. She was out of town with family members before she returned to our city and was admitted into the home.
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5-20-2010
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Thursday – While I was getting ready to fall asleep I turned to my wife and made a statement that in retrospect was really dumb. I told her that I miss her and wish we could spend more time together. I guess me bringing up myself in a time where her mind is focused only on the daughter was a bad idea. She faded further back into her absent mode and started to cry. I have no idea what to do with my life right now. There is a pit inside of my soul because I have a wife that is not there (and goes in and out of wanting me out of the house), a step daughter that is out of control and hates me for no real reason whatsoever, working as a single father of 3 kids, and outside of working out I have nothing else positive in my life.
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5-21-2010
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Friday – I managed to drag myself out of bed at 5:00am into the workout facility for a workout. It was a very intense workout and I am at 18 pounds lost. I did not get any sleep last night. The wife works and I have the kids tonight all night. Then I go to sleep when she gets home and get to do this all over again tomorrow. Hurray…
5-21-2010
--------------
O.K. so let me get you up to speed with where I am. I created this Blog to track my progression as I try to change my life in many different ways. I believe that those who read this will find strength in what I am going through and may find a way to achieve their goals as well - "Those" meaning my children later in life, strangers that may happen across this Blog, or me reading back through it and finding the strength to continue.
I titled the Blog "50 Pounds And a New Life" because my goal is to lose 50 pounds by 8/21/2010 which is three months from now. I believe that at the end of my journey I will have vastly different goals, social events (both personal/family), and dreams.
I need to add that I have lost 18 Pounds of the 50 already and hope to lose the remaining 32 pounds by 8/21/2010. My starting weight was 245 and I am 5'11". 245 pounds is really overweight by any doctor's opinion. The thing is that I did not have a gut and was not sloppy looking at all - just big. So the first question you must have of me is why did I not start this Blog at ground zero? Well I have a good explanation - I have the tendency to start some things out very strong and if there are any bumps in the road in the first two/three weeks I quit. This does not happen very often but with something so important I did not want to get into it and let anyone down.
So I will do some catching up with you so you can get focused in on me – where I have been to help understand where I am going.
--------------
2-1-2009
--------------
This is when I started to identify that my wife (we were married at the time for 4 years together for 12 years) had checked out mentally on me and many problems started to arise from it. She was spending more time alone out in the world and I kept asking what was wrong and what I could do to change things. She never came up with any good reasons and slipped more and more into "alone" mode. At the time I was about 210 pounds and had been that way for a while.
--------------
10-1-2009
--------------
Finally after 8 months of her being checked out mentally on me I moved out but quickly returned. The arrangement was that I would live in the basement and have little contact with her. This actually worked for a while I could see my kids and we started to get to know each other again – very strange.
--------------
1-15-2010
--------------
Once my wife started to realize that we were back in a "marriage" situation she froze up again and went out mentally again. I guess she did not really want to be married.
--------------
3-15-2010
--------------
We lived for two months under this mentally checked out state (again) and I finally blew up and moved out a second time. While at my folks house it hit me that all along I had more of a part in this "mentally checked out" state that my wife was going through. I had started drinking more than I used to and it started about August of 2008. I looked back on the previous year and a half and realized that I was very difficult to be around and never let anyone else's opinion in the house be heard. I took responsibility for my actions and started to think about easing up on the alcohol.
--------------
5-2-2010
--------------
5-2 is a Sunday and over the past month and a half nothing was going right; I was performing badly at work and did not feel comfortable in my department as far as my future, my wife no longer wanted to try and make our marriage work, and I just had no focus on anything productive. I finally got myself to the point where I needed to make a life change. I wanted to lose 50 pounds, ease up on the alcohol, and eat healthy. My journey of 1000 miles would begin on 5-3 and would it ever…
--------------
5-3-2010
--------------
First day…
I committed to myself not to eat any fast food for 22 days as well as no alcohol. I had been eating EVERY breakfast at McDonalds and most of my dinners at a variety of Fast food places… McDonalds was certainly my favorite, followed by Taco Bell late at night, Pizza Hut and those pizza rolls that are out of this world delicious, Burger King every now and then for a Whopper (hey is it just me or is Burger King notorious for slow and rude service), Arbys for the appetizers, and Wendys for Chicken Sandwiches – crispy of course. I was out of control on the fast food tip…
I am using the MEGA MEN SPORT supplement packs by GNC for increased energy and weight lose. I do not recommend anyone use these supplements unless you are actively working out every day… they will buzz the crap out of your body if you don't counteract the effects with a strenuous workout plan. I love the energy these supplements give me throughout the day. It makes me crash for a few minutes around 6:00pm – I hope that goes away soon.
I wake up at 5:00am every morning Monday-Friday and go to the workout facility provided by my employer. This is so very difficult because I am a late bedtime person and at the time I am enjoying NBA playoff basketball (well not so much this year all the series have been pretty bad). Theses games can keep me up until 11, 12, or even later on some occasions. Obviously getting up at 5am is hard to do after that but I manage and have cut back on how many games I am watching.
As far as the Alcohol, let's just say I have cut WAY back and feel I am doing just fine. Having even one beer at night makes it harder to get through the workout the next day so it is a deterrent which helps…
--------------
5-10-2010
--------------
One week in and 7 pounds lost. No fast food… Don't know how I am managing that one but I am… My motivation to make a life change is strong this time… the hard part here is that I am always hungry and need lots of fruit/vegetables and pretzels to snack on to keep me from going out and raiding all the fast food spots… AHHHHHHHHHH… Drinks are still at a minimum. I honestly think my body is going through withdrawal symptoms because of the fast food. It's strange because I feel weak and my skin itches all over and I think about food all the time.
--------------
5-14-2010 – Friday - Morning of
--------------
Two weeks in and 12 pounds lost… Still no fast food and drinks are well to a minimum. I will stop talking about drinks now and will bring it back up in the future if there is a need to do so. All is going well… my wife is actually starting to give me little hugs here and there – maybe it's the dedication to change – who knows – I sure don’t. We also started being intimate and it feels good… REALLY GOOD!!! Then the evening comes upon us…
--------------
5-14-2010 – Friday - Evening of
--------------
Long Story short – Teenage Step daughter loses her mind, brings drunk friend over to my house, Step daughter is violent with me and her Mom, ambulance is called for the dying friend, and when the cops arrive step daughter takes off through the neighborhood on foot and disappears for 24 hours… much more to that story – the friend made it through O.K. - but that’s all I will say right now . My wife takes the disappearing act very hard and now blames herself for the continued downward spiral of the daughter and the two of us take a turn for the worse. She does not blame me for anything the step daughter does/did but my wife shut down again almost instantly and is pushing me away more and more as the days go by. I don't think she can deal with too much stress in her life and shuts down as a defense mechanism. Just when I thought everything was going well, here comes this surprise out of nowhere.
--------------
5-15-2010
--------------
Saturday – I keep to my no fast food routine and my wife's focus is on the daughter. There is not much time for anything else. At this point I have started to become a single father so the wife can deal with the one daughter exclusively and the house can be taken care of. We have a total of 4 kids all together. This is stressful on me but I take it in stride and deal with it.
--------------
5-16-2010
--------------
Sunday – much of the same as 5-15
--------------
5-17-2010
--------------
Monday – It was very difficult to get myself up at 5:00am to go workout because I got VERY little sleep over the weekend. I made it and had a good workout. I have still had no fast food and have lost a total of 15 pounds now. I am very proud of myself for getting into the workout facility. I could have very easily fell right back into the old trap of feeling sorry for myself or something stupid like that and not getting up to work out and find myself at my McDonalds spot eating breakfast Monday morning.
--------------
5-18-2010
--------------
Tuesday – nothing news worthy. This day is still a lot of the same old thing. It's easier to not eat the fast food now. Maybe it's getting out of my system. What I really miss right now is my pizza rolls from Pizza hut… hmmm…. Pizza rolls.
--------------
5-19-2010
--------------
Wednesday – The Step daughter was checked into a group home for kids that are losing their way… she is scheduled to be there for two weeks and I hope it does her some good. She was out of town with family members before she returned to our city and was admitted into the home.
--------------
5-20-2010
--------------
Thursday – While I was getting ready to fall asleep I turned to my wife and made a statement that in retrospect was really dumb. I told her that I miss her and wish we could spend more time together. I guess me bringing up myself in a time where her mind is focused only on the daughter was a bad idea. She faded further back into her absent mode and started to cry. I have no idea what to do with my life right now. There is a pit inside of my soul because I have a wife that is not there (and goes in and out of wanting me out of the house), a step daughter that is out of control and hates me for no real reason whatsoever, working as a single father of 3 kids, and outside of working out I have nothing else positive in my life.
--------------
5-21-2010
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Friday – I managed to drag myself out of bed at 5:00am into the workout facility for a workout. It was a very intense workout and I am at 18 pounds lost. I did not get any sleep last night. The wife works and I have the kids tonight all night. Then I go to sleep when she gets home and get to do this all over again tomorrow. Hurray…
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