7/31/2010 – ?? Pounds Lost – ? Pounds to Go – 21 Days Left

I still do not have a scale at home so I don't know where I am at weight wise. I suspect I have picked up maybe one or two more pounds. I feel a whole heck of a lot better but my weight I fear is going the wrong way fast. I have an appointment Tuesday with a doctor to discuss my weight loss goals as it pertains to the insane workouts that I do.
I do not wish to cut back on my working out so I will need to take in more food – what kinds and how much is the question I would like answered.
I am finally FREE of the "American Dream" house that was slowly putting me in an early grave. Now that "American Dream" house is somebody else's problem. I'm not sure why a 5 bedroom, finished basement, 3 bathrooms, in a subdivision was something that I needed in life. The upkeep per month ALONE was ~400 bucks a month. That’s not even considering the outrageous mortgage that I got myself into. The overall swing considering the mortgage, utilities (now less because of less space), and keeping up the grounds is a total of about $1800 bucks. I am truly finding out what is important these days and it is not the outward perception from other people that I am doing well (that was worded funny but read it again…). Time and family are the only important things in life and I am making moves to increase the enjoyment on both fronts.
Wife and I made it through the move without any serious setbacks. I think she is starting to deal with stress a little better these days. My full time job demands that I keep my cool and not let the stress of the job get to me. Now that she is paying more attention to me I might be rubbing off in a good way.

7/28/2010 – 48 Pounds Lost – 7 Pounds to Go – 24 Days Left

I picked up 2 pounds for a very good reason…Yesterday at about 2:00pm my body started to feel strange and I felt weak and light headed. I battled this feeling for several hours. After dinner my body felt slightly better and it appeared I was starving myself. I ate everything I could get my hands on the feelings all went away. I then crashed about 30 minutes later and woke up about an hour later. I finished up house stuff and went to bed early. I think I have got to a point where my reduced calorie diet, as it pertains to my workout schedule, is hurting me - not helping. I am going to schedule a doctor's appointment with a nutritionalist and find out what all I need to eat to stay strong and still be able to lose the last 7 pounds.
I am in the final two days of selling the old house and completely starting the new house living. Today and tomorrow we will need to get the last of the stuff out of the house and move it Thursday night. Friday morning is the closing and marks the end. The wife and I are at each other because I believe we are running out of time and in my limited vision (because I don't know exactly what all she needs to do to be done) she is not using every possible second needed to get the stuff out of the old house. It is tense between us right now and she is hugely overstressed. So I need to recognize that and just not say anything more and just try and work through the rest of the next two days. I know she will start to push me and question us all over again so I have said all I am going to say and battle… Here we go… 48 hours from now we should both be able to breath.

7/27/2010 – 50 Pounds Lost – 5 Pounds to Go – 25 Days Left

I felt strange standing on the scale this morning. It was almost as if I did not want to see myself so close to the goal. That sounds crazy huh? What will I do once I reach 190 pounds? Will I stop working out 5 days a week? Will I stop eating and living so healthy? What will I have to blog about in the mornings… it was strange that I realized it is TRULY almost over. I was even maybe a little sad. I did not say anything I just looked at the weight for about 20 seconds or so just standing on the scale. What happens now? I guess I thought that my new life would answer those questions and it has not. I do not have enough to go off of right now to direct and carve out a new path for myself. There are business opportunities I want to take advantage of - one is an invention and the other investing.Don't get me wrong I have a sense of pride and accomplishment right now that is similar to how I felt when I graduated from the University of Michigan… bitter sweet right now.

7/26/2010 – 48 Pounds Lost – 7 Pounds to Go – 26 Days Left

This is the start to a great week I feel it. I had a few unhealthy things to eat this weekend and feared I had gained back a pound or two. That did not happen. I feel really good with where I am. The house move is almost complete. I moved my fish this weekend to the new house and we are finishing up some little things that still need to be moved. I am almost finished with the old house and the old life. 26 days and or 55 pounds. It actually looks like I can reach my goal in the original time I set for myself. Me and the wife seem to be doing well, step daughter is taking her summer school seriously and trying to make a change. The other kids are doing well and so is the dog. I am not going to get too comfortable too soon because life can be a bitch – so I will never let my guard down. ONWARD!

7/23/2010 – 48 Pounds Lost – 7 Pounds to Go – 29 Days Left

It's funny the things that come out of my mouth when I get on the scale in the morning. I weighed in at 197 and I said "what you talking bout Willis" and had a good laugh. The workout was really good this morning and I feel phenomenal! Things are starting to slow down a bit so I think I can start getting back into the things that will make me happy. Business ventures, poker, my kids, and my fish.

7/22/2010 – 46 Pounds Lost – 9 Pounds to Go – 30 Days Left

Everyday can be a historic day right now – that is a beautiful thing. I weighed in at 199 pounds (pre-workout this morning). This is officially the lightest I have ever been since my soccer playing days in college. I weighed 185 pounds the summer of 1994 (after my second year of playing soccer) and began to gain weight very slowly until I reached 240 pounds by winter of 1998. Right now I am lighter than any time before first passing 199 pounds – my guess around the summer of 1997.
I love the way I feel these days and only see good things ahead.
ONWARD!

7/21/2010 – 45 Pounds Lost – 10 Pounds to Go – 31 Days Left

O.K. I have been looking at the graph all day and it just did not look right. The issue is the days I was tracking was not the actual amount of days I have been on this journey. They are correct now. Days left are correct but the days on the bottom of the graph was not enough - they are both correct now.

7/21/2010 – 45 Pounds Lost – 10 Pounds to Go – 31 Days Left

I know this last 10 pounds is going to be difficult. I am O.K. with that. I have to focus harder now. My issues are minor late night eating (still healthy food) and weekend food/drinks. Wife is in a good place, move is complete, health is good, progress is good, and new life activities are beginning to happen (business ventures) all is well. Onward.

7/20/2010 – 44 Pounds Lost – 11 Pounds to Go – 33 Days Left

This is the point at which I have lost all momentum in the past. I have gotten down to 202/201/204 a couple times and just lost momentum. The same thing is upon me right now. I don't think I have lost any momentum but I do feel that thought creeping in my head that I want to let down my guard a bit and not focus so hard on the task at hand. I must concentrate harder now that ever.
Regarding my wife, I think she is in a much better place with "us" these days and is making an effort to make us work. I still don't like it that there is no verbal communication about where she is at – but I will take the physical actions that she is doing right now. All I really want is for her to tell me that no matter what we will work this out and she is in it to win it… to this point no such communication. Like I said though – I will take what I can get right now. I like where we are at – I hope we continue to grow.
The step daughter – she appears to have a different kind of boyfriend these days – one that does not call at all ours of the night drunk or high – one that does not fight all the time – maybe she is really trying to turn things around.
The move is 90% done – we are now all living in the new house. I built a shed and a subfloor in the garage to make a playroom for the kids. I feel very handy but my body aches from all the work. It was a good move – I think the hardest yet for our family – but good.
I don't think I have ever said anything about my passion for fish. I have been building a salt water tank and now have three fish in it – two clown fish (Nemos) and one blue hippo tang (Dory I just got yesterday actually). I have always wanted a cool fish tank and now it is coming to be. It is relaxing to come home and see them. I have just a small tank right now (20 gallons) but will move up soon by the end of the year.

7/15/2010 – 42 Pounds Lost – 13 Pounds to Go – 37 Days Left

Looks like I am back to where I was before the minor meltdown. The last few pounds will be slow and difficult. I am up for the task though. The move to the new house is going along as planed. It is making me a grumpy person.

7/14/2010 – 42 Pounds Lost – 13 Pounds to Go – 38 Days Left

Business as usual. Back on track. Nothing to report. Moving this week and next. Moving is hard work.

7/13/2010 – 39 Pounds Lost – 16 Pounds to Go – 39 Days Left

I made it in to the workout facility this morning and things are back on track.
My mother is doing much better now and is managing the pain at night. I am going to go visit soon. She sounds much better on the phone and so does my father.

7/12/2010 – 36 Pounds Lost – 19 Pounds to Go – 40 Days Left

At this point two things are clear –1. No one is reading this blog
2. I will not reach my goal of 55 pounds lost in the time I set.
What do those two things mean? I'm not sure.
I guess it is a little disappointing that I am truly going on this weight loss journey alone. I started out "saying" that I was writing the blog to document my progress and pass along my weaknesses and strengths to those who chose to listen and pass it along to my family down the road. I guess that was a bunch of bullshit. As time went by the lack of comments and interest in my blog upset me considering I have spend a good deal of time listening to others story (in their blogs) and commenting where I thought appropriate. So why was I paying any attention to anyone else's blog? Was it truly to generate interest in my own blog? Perhaps. I am an engineer so I would say 75% to generate interest in my own blog and 25% to see what others are going through in their weight loss journey. Does that make me selfish and wrong – I don't think so. It is what makes us humans I think. Vulnerability, a need to feel wanted, a need to belong… these are all things that make us humans. So now knowing that people don't really care to tune into what I am saying - does that mean I will stop listening to others story? No way. The only way to learn in this world is to listen. This is a skill that most people don't have. The skill of listening and not just simply "waiting to talk" is vital to ones growth. I will certainly continue to listen. Pin up and loving my complicated life – both of these blogs shows the true human dynamic of self vs self. Who will win…? Good self or bad self. The jury is still out.
Now addressing the fact that I will not reach my goal; I guess I look at this two different ways. One, it is disappointing that I could not effectively battle myself long enough to accomplish my goals in the time I set. Two, if I reach my goal and run over the timeframe by 30 days – does that mean I failed? No. It actually means that I not only reached my goal but I effectively battled myself and won because knowing that I will not reach my goal could have a huge negative effect. But I will not allow that to happen. 190 pounds is my goal and I will not stop until I get there.
Now to address family; my last blog spoke of not being sure if the family would move together to the new house. Well, here is what has happened since my last blog entry. I sent a text to the step daughter and wife stating that maybe I was being too critical of the stepdaughter and that I was proud of the progress she has made. I also commented that I like the pretty dress that she wore to my fathers day dinner. A little background here is that I am really discussed from time to time with the attire my stepdaughter has. It is not lady like and only gives off one impression to boys and men. I cannot talk to her about it because she won't listen and it will cause an argument and the wife will shut down and we will go backwards. So, I simply said I liked the dress. I also said to my wife that she was right about some things and that I would look deeper into myself and try to address those issues. When I got back from work on that Thursday she gave me a big hug and huge kiss and a sense that we are going to work it out. We have not talked about anything since that day (7/1/10 – eleven days ago) but it appears that she wants to work at making our marriage good and that we should all move into the house together. I hate that I cannot sit down and talk to her I have to guess work with her all the time because she does not like to sit down and talk through things. She gets frustrated quick and shuts down and the conversations go nowhere. So I am left to guess about a lot of things. Not the way I want to live but I guess it is better than moving along on my own by myself.
I have a lot of soul searching and work to do in the near future. I started drinking a little too much again and now fear that will get in the way of my weight loss goal. I can't seem to drink just a little. I guess I am still not at a good spot with drinking. My finances are in a bad spot; however I am taking steps to correct that. The new house is overall a ~1000 dollar swing in a positive direction and I am starting to go to wealth building seminars. I know the majority of the population is skeptical of these things – but in these days relying on your employer to take care of you in retirement is more risky than taking a wealth building seminar.
So where do I go from here – it will be interesting what I am blogging about in 40 days when my original timeline is up for my "new life"

7/1/2010 – 43 Pounds Lost – 12 Pounds to Go – 51 Days Left

Wow, so much has happened since the last time I wrote. So where do I begin…

- This is a historic day in my weight loss journey because I am now tied for the lightest weight I have been in any weight loss effort over the past 15 years. In fact after I worked out today I weighed in at 198 (which is 47 pounds lost) which is 2 pounds lighter than ANY weight I have been in 15 years. I have found that the most accurate way to measure is before bed or before workouts. After workouts the weight can fluctuate so much that it is not the best way for me to gauge where I really am at. So 12 pounds to go - 51 days. The end is in sight! HURAY!
- The wife and I talked for about two hours last night – mostly fighting about stupid shit but there were some important things that came out. The move to the new house "together" is in serious jeopardy because we can't seem to get on the same page together. She claims she is trying really hard – I claim I am trying really hard and the things we are "doing" is not what the other person really needs to be able to grow in the relationship. So some soul searching needs to happen soon because we cannot move into this new house together if we are not going to make it.
- Finally I have come to a realization that I am being too critical on the step daughter. Yes she has done a tone of awful shit to me and continues to but, she truly is making progress in every other aspect of her personal life and I should be supportive of that even though her and I are still not progressing at all.
- They are all leaving today for the weekend so her and I will have time to think about what path we want to be on… I am guessing that I will have much to report out over the next week.