7/12/2010 – 36 Pounds Lost – 19 Pounds to Go – 40 Days Left

At this point two things are clear –1. No one is reading this blog
2. I will not reach my goal of 55 pounds lost in the time I set.
What do those two things mean? I'm not sure.
I guess it is a little disappointing that I am truly going on this weight loss journey alone. I started out "saying" that I was writing the blog to document my progress and pass along my weaknesses and strengths to those who chose to listen and pass it along to my family down the road. I guess that was a bunch of bullshit. As time went by the lack of comments and interest in my blog upset me considering I have spend a good deal of time listening to others story (in their blogs) and commenting where I thought appropriate. So why was I paying any attention to anyone else's blog? Was it truly to generate interest in my own blog? Perhaps. I am an engineer so I would say 75% to generate interest in my own blog and 25% to see what others are going through in their weight loss journey. Does that make me selfish and wrong – I don't think so. It is what makes us humans I think. Vulnerability, a need to feel wanted, a need to belong… these are all things that make us humans. So now knowing that people don't really care to tune into what I am saying - does that mean I will stop listening to others story? No way. The only way to learn in this world is to listen. This is a skill that most people don't have. The skill of listening and not just simply "waiting to talk" is vital to ones growth. I will certainly continue to listen. Pin up and loving my complicated life – both of these blogs shows the true human dynamic of self vs self. Who will win…? Good self or bad self. The jury is still out.
Now addressing the fact that I will not reach my goal; I guess I look at this two different ways. One, it is disappointing that I could not effectively battle myself long enough to accomplish my goals in the time I set. Two, if I reach my goal and run over the timeframe by 30 days – does that mean I failed? No. It actually means that I not only reached my goal but I effectively battled myself and won because knowing that I will not reach my goal could have a huge negative effect. But I will not allow that to happen. 190 pounds is my goal and I will not stop until I get there.
Now to address family; my last blog spoke of not being sure if the family would move together to the new house. Well, here is what has happened since my last blog entry. I sent a text to the step daughter and wife stating that maybe I was being too critical of the stepdaughter and that I was proud of the progress she has made. I also commented that I like the pretty dress that she wore to my fathers day dinner. A little background here is that I am really discussed from time to time with the attire my stepdaughter has. It is not lady like and only gives off one impression to boys and men. I cannot talk to her about it because she won't listen and it will cause an argument and the wife will shut down and we will go backwards. So, I simply said I liked the dress. I also said to my wife that she was right about some things and that I would look deeper into myself and try to address those issues. When I got back from work on that Thursday she gave me a big hug and huge kiss and a sense that we are going to work it out. We have not talked about anything since that day (7/1/10 – eleven days ago) but it appears that she wants to work at making our marriage good and that we should all move into the house together. I hate that I cannot sit down and talk to her I have to guess work with her all the time because she does not like to sit down and talk through things. She gets frustrated quick and shuts down and the conversations go nowhere. So I am left to guess about a lot of things. Not the way I want to live but I guess it is better than moving along on my own by myself.
I have a lot of soul searching and work to do in the near future. I started drinking a little too much again and now fear that will get in the way of my weight loss goal. I can't seem to drink just a little. I guess I am still not at a good spot with drinking. My finances are in a bad spot; however I am taking steps to correct that. The new house is overall a ~1000 dollar swing in a positive direction and I am starting to go to wealth building seminars. I know the majority of the population is skeptical of these things – but in these days relying on your employer to take care of you in retirement is more risky than taking a wealth building seminar.
So where do I go from here – it will be interesting what I am blogging about in 40 days when my original timeline is up for my "new life"