Monday and I really did not want to get out of bed this morning. I fought and fought and fought myself and I won (it lost). I dragged myself to the workout stop (my current one – dingy one) and for some reason it was not open and everyone was gone. Very interesting. So I had a choice to make – either say forget it or go to the other workout facility with the nice shower room. So again I fought and fought and fought myself and again I won. I ended up having a decent workout and enjoyed my shower. It always feels good after fighting yourself and not only winning but accomplishing the entire goal for that moment.I forced a conversation with the wife about us last night and it went O.K. I guess. I backed her into a corner and wanted to know where she stands with us what she is telling the world about us. I asked about her status on Facebook because currently there is no relationship information there. I asked because she knows I can see it and never wanted to put single there even though I knew that in her mind that’s where she was. She still is hesitant about making me a friend because she fears that I will tell her who she can and can't be friends with. A lot of our problems have stemmed from her past. Lots there and I will leave it at that.
All I want from her is to not hide us. Not hide the fact we are together. Not to try and hold onto some youth and being free concept. It's all or nothing right now. One family - one relationship - one marriage. I cannot do anything other than that. If after everything she has put me through and everything we have gone through together she cannot give me her all then I just can't continue on with her. It appears that she wants what I want. She says she is going to change her status of Facebook and begin to tell folks that we are married and stop saying things like I don't know or we are trying to work things out.
Facebook by the way is the worst invention of all time. The past should stay there and the ease that people have now to re-enter someone's life is just not natural and can cause so many problems. I would love if it just went away. All of it.
All in all – I am happy about where I am. I would still like to look at my wife and think – wow this woman loves me to death and would do anything for me. I just am not there yet. I hope I can get there so life can be so much easier for me. I work so hard out in the world – home is where I should go to rest – NOT continue fighting and struggling. I also have to buckle down and read my material for my seminar I am going to this weekend. I have a couple manuals to read through and I have not started yet. I will need to start tonight and get down to business.